angry. hateful. hurt. sad. left. violated. tired of hypocrisy. tired of people’s lip service to truth and maturity. we can convince ourselves of anything. I feel like my soul has been raped and pillaged
Been reading “The Way of All Women” by M. Ester Harding and there are some really genius bits. All signs pointing to what I have intuited. Are you up to the task or not? So many relationships I’ve allowed to do so much violence to my soul. Am I just angry at myself for giving so much to children? Am I just angry at myself for investing in those who were never invested themselves, for having had far too brief an audition process? I know my own loyalty, I know my own commitment. I know how rare it is and yet I just give it to whomever. Granted in this particular instance, the guy made quite a show of wanting something “real” with a “real person”. Somehow I’ve never been more than his anima projections and highly difficult any time I’ve tried to cast those projections off. Now I’m the “witch”.
These passages strike me:
“Only through relationship, however, can her psychological boundaries be defined: only thus can she find herself. If she does not take her (relationship) seriously, she does not take herself seriously at all.”*
Okay, so I take my relationships seriously. But that always seems to be my downfall. So I have to really ask how seriously do I/did I take it. I suppose I didn’t initiate getting help until it was “too late”. But did I know it was too late? How could I? I never had all the puzzle pieces. He did, but he did not have the psychological maturity to make sense or use of any of them. Only to complain, do nothing, and “hope it will get better”. Maybe I’m just a fool. A child cavorting with children. If I really took relationship seriously, wouldn’t I have proceeded with greater measure and caution? Wouldn’t I have trusted my instincts that this man did not have the mettle or grit required to make a successful partnership?
It really takes a courageous person to step into the fire of self discovery that relationship actually is. I truly believe that no where but in relationship will one truly be so confronted with who they really are.
“there are (those) who are impelled by something intense in their own natures to seek for greater heights and depths of emotional experience…driven by an inner need to experience themselves more deeply…”*
So the question remains as to how committed I have been. To my conscious reality, I could tell myself that I have been. Something in me has always doubted his ability though. Something in me has always doubted his fortitude.
“If she cannot make a satisfactory adjustment with him, she must seriously ask herself whether it may not be that at least part of the fault lies in her where there lurks, perhaps, something which really resembles those qualities she so much resents in him. Certainly it is until she has dealt with her own…selfishness, her own unconsciousness, that she is able to help him with his problem. For his faults toward her lie in that realm of his psyche furthest from his conscious concerns, namely on the side of Eros or psychological relationship, which should be mediated be feeling; if the woman does not help him here, it is well nigh impossible for him to become conscious.”*
So he has doubted me. I have doubted him. He has resisted with Independence. I have resisted with Independence. We all have our behaviors that we deem unconscionable. He would never call someone a bad name (though he will demean them in other, reductive ways, behind their back), I would never ignore another person. What can I do, other than recognize that something, in each of us is terribly amiss? Anima/Animus issues. Are we simply in the shock and disbelief that happens when the projections are removed and we are faced with a stranger?
But if the relationship is cut short, “leaving unsolved problems in which (our) libido is still bound up, (we) will continue to bear the burden of an unfinished relationship which will crop up to be dealt with at ever point in…life whenever (we) come close to (another) man (or woman).”* I know this. This is why it pains my conscience to just close shop in some kind of forced denial that it’s all finished up!
Dr. Chuck Spezzano believes that every relationship has a potential to fulfill. That “relationships that end in heartbreak have not realized their purpose.”**
“The fact remains that if (one couples) without the heartfelt intention of permanance…they are not likely to make a success of (their union). No determined adventurer about to embark upon a hazardous enterprise holds any commerce with a voice which whispers, “If all does not go well, I can always turn back.” Mental reservations like this do not lead to success…It is a well known psychological fact that if the attitude be secretly taken that “we can always turn back,” it is impossible to mobilize all of our forces. Only after a woman as made every effort to solve her difficulties, has left no stone unturned, and still her (relationship) has failed, only then should she turn, perhaps, to divorce. Judging from my own knowledge of many marriages, I believe that many divorces have really been unnecessary, that they have solved no psychological problem…”*
What to do if the other is not willing to see it through to actual resolution? Let go? Hope to do the best work possible on your own and thus avoid reaching the same place with another?
Such waste of a good opportunity for two humans to make a giant leap forward in consciousness.
*The Way of All Women, M. Esther Harding, Harper & Row, New York 1970
**Heal Your Heartbreak, Dr. Chuck Spezzano