inner man 2

feeling nauseous, foreboding, exiled. lost. lonely. aching. aching for body, aching for touch. weight. aching for weight on my body to soothe my nerves…wanting reminders of, perhaps what never was. Constantly thinking, feeling, what was that? where did it go? am i still in projection? am I possessed by the negative? Is this further evidence of the “neurotic psycho”?

What he says: “She’s a neurotic psycho”

What I say: “More like he’s a neurotic psycho!”

What they say:  “He’s definitely more neurotic than you are!”

What is this? It’s non sense. Jibber jabber. more insanity. where is sanity? where is reality? where is the truth? is it love or evil or both? Keep the evil in your line of sight so it can’t sneak up and possess you.

Oh god I want to throw up. I’m panicking. My chest is tight, my body is tense. Every time i check it, it’s so tense.  Tears, sobbing. Frantically grasping for something to live for. This is how I feel when it seizes me. Why won’t it just go away?

Did something happen? A letter? An exchange? Anger? Repressed desire?

Ignored. Blocking out. Stonewalling. LIttle bits. Arms length. Stop the hurtful behavior. Stop blaming, stop shutting out. Find love.

I’m so afraid to go away. Like somehow my being here keeps things from happening?! The minute I leave town he makes plans to see the girls. So cruel. Why such cruelty? Never allowed before? Never stopped him before, either way.

Such cruelty.

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