Being True to the Self
There is no sense talking about “being true to myself” until you are sure what voice you are being true to. It takes hard work to differentiate the voices in the unconscious…we are challenged to break the old boundaries and leap beyond anything we ever imagined. ~Marion Woodman, Conscious Femininity
As I confront myself…the deeper layers, the ones that are like old dry tar at the bottom of the foundation, it is hard not compare myself. It is hard not to think that everyone else is better. Everyone else is right. Everyone is stronger, smarter, more accomplished, more together. It is hard to go to the place where one feels evil. Where one feels like a plague. Where one feels that they must distance themselves for everyone else’s safety.
I have felt a strong pull to turn inward. To turn towards myself and face me. To look at all the distortions until a new picture emerges…not one that I write or dictate with my agenda…but my true Self. I am terrified of finding out who that is. Intrigued and officially on board with the process, but truly…terrified.
I did a card reading today and the card was FEAR.
Here is what is says:
FEAR: KEY CONCEPTS: Separation; conflict; thoughts of loss or attack; planning or trying to manage the future; defenses.
Most people think of fear as something that comes from outside to threaten us. Yet fear actually comes from within the mind. It represents an inner conflict that wants two different things: the thought of moving forward toward one of the things that we desire creates the fear that in so doing we would unavoidably lose something else. Fear arises as a result of living in the past, planning or defending in some way, and trying to handle a future we haven’t arrived at yet. As a direct result of bad feelings we still have about the past, our fear projects the past on to the future; we have the feeling that the same type of thing with happen to us again.
It could be said that all problems – all negative emotions – stem from fear. Fear is present at the birth of every problem. It comes about through our judgments, grievances and attack thoughts, all of which cause us to see the world as unsafe and unsavory. We feel frightened, not realizing that the fear begins in our own mind, and as a result of how we separate and defend ourselves from people, situations or things. In fact, any and all separation we have inside us gives rise to fearful situations. Notice that every time we join, integrate, or bring love into a situation, fear dissolves; as we move forward with confidence, the past dissipates; and, as the past is cleared up, so is the future.
You are being asked to take responsibility; to change your thoughts about your situation through choice, and to begin to think and feel in a healed (or healing) and positive way. Many things will heal fear. Choose to feel your negative feelings until they disperse and turn into positive ones of love, joining, forgiveness, willingness, faith or trust. You can change both the situation at hand and the world by changing your mind and choosing to respond in a different way.
Well, that pretty well sums it up. I am in FEAR. I can feel it shooting through my nerves and my stomach. What is the next step that I am so afraid of? My hunch is that it has something to do with rolling up my sleeves and diving into my gifts and loving myself. But somehow I feel like I’m standing on a cliff, staring down at the icy cold pacific ocean about to be lost and swallowed. Yes, I can feel it as I write this. I am so afraid to jump. So afraid of annihilation. So afraid of the Truth. So afraid that it won’t be what I want it to be. It’s the strangest kind of paralysis because I know the minute I find my Truth and live it is the minute the suffering stops.
So of course the “Way Through” card is TRUTH. Outsmarted again! Here’s what is says:
TRUTH: KEY CONCEPTS: Principle leading to freedom, ease, commitment, connection and joy
Truth leads us forward, showing the way. Truth clears and clarifies. it heals denial and other forms of dishonesty. It allows partnership and opens you to receive. It frees you from the deadness and hypocrisy of roles and duties, and from doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Truth can set things straight, allowing proper relationships and perspectives to form. It constantly separates the chaff from the wheat. While truth can sometimes be uncomfortable as it cuts through illusion, what we cut through now saves us greater pain and disillusionment later. The truth frees and connects us, bringing light and freedom. In this sense, ultimately, anything which is not joyful is not the truth. Truth can thus be used to cut through areas of deadness, pain and misery. Whenever something is less than joyful, ask for the truth. Choose the truth. Love the truth. It will set you free and show you the way home…
If I can do this, according to the reading, the gift is ABUNDANCE…something I’ve been thinking a lot about. There is so much scarcity in my life still and when everything stops, I can feel it so acutely. It is hard not to go into shame and embarrassment about it. I find I feel shame and then pull myself back, but I am not able to avoid the temptation completely. I know that my scarcity is self-imposed. I know it is a distortion that I fixate on and identify with. It seem that all there is for me to do is feel my fear. Feel my terror until something shifts.
It feels like such a long way home. Or rather, it feels like there is no home. It feels like I am doomed to go to some foreign land, some future planet called Truth. Right now, for whatever reason, it sounds like a gavel, it feels like a life sentence. It doesn’t feel warm or inviting or safe. It feels like a stark, cold, indifferent, unwavering verdict.