Last night’s dreams:
1. I was with a group taking some kind of trip into the county. There was a mini van shuttling us to our final destination. The driver had to drive through a shallow lake and we were to disembark to the shore on the other side. The driver didn’t drive all the way onto shore though, so we he had to wade through the water to bring our bags to shore. I was on shore looking at the van, trying to figure out why it was too deep for him to drive to shore when it seemed that the water he had driven through to that point was equally deep. Then it occurred to me that maybe the water was rising. I looked out at the van and the driver was in the water, hauling bags. To the left of the van a strip of whirlpools was starting up. I thought I’d better wade out the van to get my bags before it was too late. I was very concerned about losing my bag and my things.
As I waded into the water, I got sucked into the rapids, into the whirlpools. I was shocked by how forceful it was. No one saw that I had gone in, though I don’t think anyone could have helped me anyway. I was being pulled to a huge waterfall and thinking “Oh my God, this is it.” There were some branches on the bank. I reached out with all my might and grabbed one of the branches. It was my only chance and I got hold of it. I pulled myself up and got over to the side of the water where the whirlpools hadn’t started yet. I looked towards shore and the river and what was happening was that gradually, in rows, row by row, the bottom of the riverbed was dropping out, creating a drain/vacuum/pull of water, sucking down. The minivan was moving over, away from each row, but eventually it was going to run out of room and all the bottoms would drop out. I was watching the bottoms drop out and trying to stay all the way to the other side to work my way back to shore. I believe I made it back, but I think I shifted to another dream:
2. I was with M and band mates. It was night time. We were in a city, kind of a funky, sparse part of town. We were in the front room of an apartment. There was a sink by the front door. The only light was coming in from the street, through the windows and the open front door. I was at the sink and the guys were standing very close to me. M was by the door. I wanted to brush my teeth so I could go to bed. We were all talking. DN had an erection and he was rubbing it against me. I was so uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. I thought, “Does he think I can’t feel this? Does he think I don’t know what he’s doing?” But he kept doing it, he kept rubbing it against me. I was sort of inching into the sink, away from him. Then I was brushing my teeth and as I turned to the sink to rinse my mouth, his penis was there in my face. It made it look like I was giving him fellatio. His penis was erect and very big and hairy. I pulled my head away quickly and looked to M to see if he saw what was going on, so he could help me. I went outside and I was trying to get him to come outside with me, but he wasn’t getting my signals. I pulled him outside with me and tried to explain what was going on. I asked him, “did you see what he was doing?” I was trying to explain with my eyes and gestures because I didn’t want to be overheard. I felt so uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him to walk me home.
3. I was traveling. On a make up job. We were in a foreign city. I was assisting D.C…who is in real life a prop stylist, but in my dream she was a make-up artist. I was concerned with having my kit in order and being ready for the pick up. I kept checking the time and I kept checking the kit. I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything right. That if they didn’t pick us up on time or something, that it wasn’t because of any wrong doing on my part. We were waiting in a cosmetics store and I was looking at eyebrow powders. The store was closed and we had to leave when it opened. As it was opening, I grabbed a palette of eyebrow powders (I stole it). As I exited the store, a chime sounded. I thought it was an alarm, so I threw the palette down on the ground. Then I realized, it was probably just the bell that sounded when people entered and exited the store. One of the powders broke a little, but I picked it up again and took it with me.
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1. This is a dream I will have to sit with. I think it is tapping into feelings I had the other night on the highway when our car lost control. I thought we were headed for a serious accident. I was preparing for impact with the median, watching the car swerve across the highway, trying to understand what was happening as it was happening…trying to pull myself out of disbelief. It was a similar feeling as being sucked into the whirlpool and not being able to do anything about it. In the dream I really had to muster the strength to grab that branch and I felt very grateful for my survival instincts and skills in doing so. I will have to sit with the attachment to my belongings. I think I was most worried about losing my computer and also more personal affects, like my body oil/fragrance…things that I really identify with on a somatic and sensual level.
2. This dream is somehow related to the people I was hanging out with yesterday. There is some association between DN and EF, who is rather well endowed. I think I have had sexual encounters where the man I was with seemed to be oblivious to the fact that my body has a nervous system. That I experience sensation when he touches me to his own satisfaction. There seems to be a feeling of disconnect here. An oblivion to my experience. Inability to elicit M’s attention when I needed him. My discomfort and my experience was totally private. No one noticed what was going on. I wanted protection and connection. Perhaps it’s an indication that I am still feeling disconnected, unseen within myself, by my Animus. As I write this, I realize that I have been feeling like I’ve abandoned my Feminine. I went into such an intense work week and while I did my best to stay connected with myself, I realized this weekend that I really wrecked my body and my spiritual connection to Self. I have been exhausted and my body is sore. I lost connection with the mysticism of my spirit guides, lost connection with my meditation practice, lost connection with my body and my dreams. I am really getting a sense of how detrimental the “daily grind” lifestyle of Patriarchy really is. It annihilates our connection to Self, soul, imagination, creativity, Kairos time. It is so profoundly detrimental and imbalanced. The Feminine just gets pushed aside, bulldozed, made invisible. But it’s a delusion. She is always there, just suffering. And we are only eating away at ourselves. We don’t realize how much until we stop and suddenly the empty space becomes flooded with constipation, aching muscles and sad hearts… I have got to build a life in which I can honor my whole being.
3. I watched a program yesterday in which a psychologist demonstrates the malleability of the human mind. He manipulates a man into confessing to a murder that he didn’t commit and, actually, didn’t even happen. One of the methods he uses is creating guilt triggers. He had actors elicit feelings of guilt in the man and then in that moment sounded a chime in the room, and/or, had someone squeeze the man’s left shoulder. This way, later, when he wanted to intensify the man’s feelings of guilt, he could sound the chime or have someone squeeze his shoulder…things that were then unconsciously associated with guilt. When the man was thinking he might have committed the murder, the psychologist triggered the chime and it compounded the feelings of guilt, cinching the conclusion that he must have done it.
I was horrified by this program. I also wondered if and how they would de-program these associations. So in this dream, I was stealing make-up from the store and then as I exited, a chime sounded. Obviously, this program touched something very deep in me. I will have to sit with this for a while. There are issues of guilt, manipulation, integrity, stealing, stealing something that is used to alter appearances, anxiety, anxiety around a career in the fashion industry, anxiety about Time…MAJOR anxiety about time.