Last night’s dreams…
I dreamed that I was at some kind of vacation house by the ocean. There were other people and friends there. I was going to go from this little cabin that was over the water, back to shore on my own. Two of the guys (facilitators at the resort) brought the boat/raft over which sat slightly submerged in the water and was just made of open slats… not that much different from swimming with oars! I looked at the thing and said, “No way! I can’t get in that thing by myself. It’s too far to go and I will be too freaked out that sharks could get me”. The water was very turquoise and VERY deep. One of the guys said, “Wow! You really do have an issue with sharks!” I said, “yeah.” and decided that I would have to wait to travel with the group in a proper boat.
Then I was inside the house watching a computer screen/television screen. The screen was split. On the left side was a kind of facebook page cartoon in which there were a bunch of mer-boys (boys with fish tails swimming in the water). It was make-believe and they were all actors in the cartoon, but since it was a cartoon, the fish tales were drawn very accurately as such. On the right side of the screen was the same image, but it was an actual film with real human actors (as opposed to a drawn cartoon). When I looked closely I saw that they didn’t have proper fishtail costumes on, but were just holding their legs together and swimming as if they were mer-boys.
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The dream about the water and the shark is not such a new theme for me. At the moment I think it is wise that I wait to travel with the group in a proper boat. Otherwise I risk going unconscious with fear…drowning in the complex, becoming possessed by the negative, devouring masculine that I see symbolized in the shark.
The second dream reminds me of a passage of Marion Woodman’s I read yesterday:
“The puella mother who has never taken up residence in her own body, and therefore fears her own chthonic nature, is not going to experience pregnancy as a quiet meditation with her unborn child, nor birth as a joyful bonding experience. Although she may go through the motions of natural childbirth, the psyche/soma split in her is so deep that physical bonding between her and her baby daughter does not take place. Her child lives with a profound sense of despair, a despair which becomes conscious if in later years she does active imagination with her body and releases waves of grief and terror that resonate with the initial, primal rejection. […] The body that appears in dreams wrapped in fire, encircled by a black snake or encumbered by a fish tail from the waist down, may be holding a death-wish too deep for tears.” The Pregnant Virgin: A Process of Psychological Transformation (Inner City Books, 1985, ISBN 0919123414) P 7
The concept of the puer is interesting and I’ll have to roll it around a bit more to see how it fits in with me. Certainly my parents’ being “children raising children” was a running joke in my family. One that my brother and I never found very funny. I wonder what the meaning of young boys encumbered by a fish tail from the waist down means. Perhaps there is some aspect of my inner masculine encumbered in this way. I wonder if my death wishes are coming from this wounded inner masculine and not from my feminine selves. It does make sense that death wish in me could come from a sort of impotent inner masculine~ no drive, no will. I’ll have to meditate on this one…