Unusual for me, I woke up at dawn. I was not wide awake, but not asleep either. As far as I could tell, I hadn’t had any dreams yet and felt disappointed or frustrated about that. Eventually I feel back asleep and Psyche delivered a doozie!
This morning’s dreams…
I was in a car with M (my boyfriend). We had been out running errands and were back, pulling into our driveway. There was a black female police officer there. M’s father had died and it was unclear if it was suicide, murder, or natural causes. I knew what had happened but I was keeping it a secret because it was very loaded. When I saw the officer, I knew she was there to ask questions. I was pretty sure that I hadn’t done anything, but just felt nervous that I had secrets about it. I tried to calm myself down, telling myself that there was no way she could ever figure it out.
Basically M’s father and I had had an affair. Some kind of crazy torrid affair when we were all on a family vacation. And I knew that his death was somehow related to the emotional conflicts of the affair; that that was kind of what killed him. There was something about having buried himself in the basement.
I flashed back on the affair we had. Flashed back on the vacation and the scenes when we first had sex. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to tell M, but I knew he would never speak to me again.
At one point M, his Mom and I were all in his Mom and Dad’s bedroom. As we walked into the room, it gave me the creeps and I said something about the energy in there being very bad. But I realized I was the only one who felt that way because I was the only one who knew the whole story.
Later we were outside at a community park. It was kind of like a high school play ground. Asphalt and chain link fence, basketball courts, etc… It was a family reunion gathering of M’s family. I was sitting at a picnic table with M’s mom and she started talking about M’s Dad. She was crying and said that she just didn’t understand and it didn’t make sense that he was gone. I felt guilty talking to her and I kind of felt the same way. I kept going over everything in my mind wondering if he was actually dead and if it had all actually happened or if it was just all a dream. Somehow I felt that it was only in my dreams that anyone ever died or was killed, that in waking life, everything was okay and everyone was still around. In the dream, I was remembering other dreams I had had about murdering someone and then waking up to realize that it was just a dream.
* * * * *
Not sure what to make of this one. Today is my Dad’s birthday. Last night I went to my second Al-Anon meeting. M and I are in a weird, bad way. He is part of the chain of men I have dated that are so much like my Dad. I spent time last night trying to figure out what his addiction is. He texted me updates on his evening all night without ever inquiring about me, how I was, what I was doing etc… When that happens it feels very much like a mother-child relationship in which the child does show and tell for their mother. But it is not reciprocal. That’s what I went to sleep with. I’ll have to meditate on this.