Lesson 6: The Other Person in the Relationship is On My Team
“Our recognition that others are on our team allows us to receive from them. They can be the ones to save the day and help us. Other people have something to give us, just as we have something to give them. ” –Chuck Spezzano, PhD
Today, ask yourself if you act as if the people in relationship to you, especially closest to you are on your team? No. I don’t!
Do you realize that they are part of your movement forward in life, that they increase your ability to win? I think logically I do, but I don’t have this as a core belief.
Have you recognized that as they succeed, so will you? Sort of. I’m ashamed to say that I think a lot of the time I’m afraid I’ll be left behind.
Have you been treating them like strangers? I think so. I attribute that to them, of course– that they act like strangers, but I could be totally creating that in my own mind. Considering my answers to the previous questions, that likelihood is pretty high. If I see the slightest sign of withdrawal, defense, or shutting out from someone, I go into self-protection mode. I become timid, unsure, withholding. I start to see them as a stranger. It is the creepiest, most tense and uncomfortable feeling in the world.
Have you been acting as if they’ve been the enemy? Definitely.
Have you been fighting over who’s going to get their needs met first? Definitely. Major power struggle and adversity going on.
If they are losing or failing in some way, it isn’t by accident. You have been competing with them as if they are on the other team, to show them and the world that you are better. No good. I’m not proud of this. I think it’s really true. I think I am so focused on my fear of being left behind. It’s like I’m in some race to become a good and worthy and awesome person. It feels so small and petty when I think about it. It’s just another indication of the stock pile of secret negative beliefs I have about myself. If I truly believed that I was worthy and valuable and deserving, I would believe that of others and I would energetically be on board with everyone’s success. I wouldn’t be afraid of it. It would just be my truth. There is a real lack of confidence here. It’s funny, I actually had the thought recently, “well, when they’re ready to get on the playing field with me…bring all of themselves into the game…on the same team…” If I’m thinking it, then it must be within me. I think when I hear someone say things like “I need to do what works for me”, “I need to do what I need to do for myself”, etc… I start to feel so lonely and shut out and I leave the team energetically as a form of protection. It’s as if my mind says, “Oh I see where this is going, they’re looking out for themselves, I’d better start doing the same” and it’s just a downward spiral from there. But I don’t talk to them about it. I don’t treat it as a team situation. I don’t hear what they need as information to be incorporated in the play book. I hear it as, “they are leaving the team, they are looking out for themselves, they are not on my side”. What if there’s only one side and it’s neither “theirs” nor “mine”?
Begin the morning by choosing someone who is close to you, either in your family or at work, and who, you have considered to be on the other team. For the rest of the day, act toward them as if they are on your team. Starting with your thinking, then with your feeling, then with your behavior.
This evening, choose somebody that you truly love, your partner or someone who is dear to you, and think of them as on your team, too. Their winning is your winning; their success is your success. Give them your support. Let your creativity emerge as you think of ways to support the persons dearest to you.
I’ll report back this evening after the day’s exercise…