Lesson 13: I Control Because I Cannot Stand It Being So Good

“All of our control operates as a means of self-protection. However, control only protects  and perfects our fear of getting hurt. This covers up the fear that if we were to let go of control, things would get really great and we would be overwhelmed. It would be so good that we would just go into meltdown and be totally lost, so good that all purpose would be gone and we would die. But guess what? This is only our ego scaring us with death. If we gave up control, we would not die; only our ego would. Then we would feel like we have died and gone to heaven.

Today, take a look at your life. What is the control situation staring you in the face? Do not forget that you are capable of using others by having them control you. This is so bottom-line, yet unrecognized. It is how you arrange things to prevent feeling so overwhelmingly good because you think you could not stand it. Give up control. and a giant reward will come to you. This is a day for you to receive in a big way.” –Chuck Spezzano, PhD

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In the last year, I have spent a good deal of time considering the difficulties I have receiving. It occurred to me that if my life felt scarce in any area, that might be an area in which I was not actually open to receive. I ask myself and my higher self…why? Why would I do that?

It is absolutely a form of control. It’s a contracted state born of a childhood of scarcity, of empty promises, of bonding and severing, bonding and severing, over and over again, of trust and let down, trust and let down, over and over again. After a while, I think I stopped letting things in because of the pain of having it, inevitably, taken away. I have a conditioned belief that everything will always be taken away. It’s a pain that I just couldn’t endure anymore. The trap that I find myself in now is that I know this fear has become the very thing that sabotages my havingness. My contraction keeps pain out, and also keeps life and love from fulling coming in. My fear keeps me split and unable to let anything really settle in. On an energetic level, I am always pulling and pushing, this way and that.

So, I’ve been experimenting. I’ve been trying to let more in. More love, more gratitude, more connection, even more attachment. And each time I’ve done that, I did feel overwhelmed. It was uncomfortable. It was hard to hold so much in myself, a still developing container. As I’ve been working towards greater self-containment, I’ve regarded it more in terms of being able to hold the dark stuff– the shadows, the fear, the pain, the anxiety. But in those moments of loving fullness, I’ve realized that it takes a strong container to hold the good stuff too. I might even say that holding the good takes a stronger container, because positive energy is expansive; expanding. Imagine a balloon filling and filling with air…that needs to be one strong and flexible balloon!

As Robert A. Johnson puts it so aptly in his book, Owning Your Own Shadow: “Curiously, people resist the noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than they hide the dark sides.”

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