Lesson 15: When I Wish to Have a Need Fulfilled, I Give The Thing I Feel I Need

“All pain comes from what we feel we need and the fear that our needs will not be met. In other words, we’re afraid of what we’ll lose or what we feel is missing; so instead of accepting our fear, we push it back and resist it, which generates pain.

In some situations, the need may be slightly more hidden. For instance, we may feel that we need more sex and that we are willing to give sex at any moment, day or night. What we may be called to give, however, is not the act itself, but more sexual energy. This higher level of giving would create the very thing that we feel we need right now.

Today, be willing to look a little more deeply into your needs. What is it that you need? Give that to whomever you need it from. Without imposing your giving on them, simply give whatever it is that you feel you need to those people from whom you feel you need it. Give the feeling of that greatest need, give the energy of it. If you have a general need from everyone, give it generously to everyone. If you feel you have a specific need from a specific person, then give it in the same way.” –Chuck Spezzano, PhD

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What is it that I need…?

Unconditional love. Loyalty. Understanding. Empathy. Compassion. Acknowledgement. Support. Affection. Forgiveness. Allowance to change. That’s a big one.

Allowance to change. That is really called for! One of the hardest things for me is being related to as if I am the same way that I was “back then”. Some say a way to trust is to trust that people are going to be themselves…but what they mean is, “you can expect of people what they’ve delivered”. I don’t think that’s a view point I share or want to live by. I suppose it’s good not to be totally naive, but what about being curious each time we see someone, even if it’s an old friend or partner? What about not assuming that we know everything there is to know about a person? What if someone did change and we were too blind to see it because our minds were  wrapped up in whatever ways we had that person figured out and categorized for ourselves. What a tragic loss of opportunity. What an absence of possibility!

I remember once, the man I was seeing came over and as he walked in the door he said, “OK! Let’s hear it. I’m sure I’ve upset you somehow, so instead of avoiding the confrontation, let’s just have our fight now!” I looked at him and I said, “Honestly, I can’t think of a thing! I was actually just feeling enthusiastic curiosity as to who would be coming through my door tonight…” He was so surprised, and touched actually.

Lately I’ve really fallen into the trap of thinking someone is always going to be this way. It’s a bleak place to be and not very kind. It’s like keeping someone in an energetic prison. So I am going to give this thing that I need…allowance to change.

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